...amish paradise...

photo class
i'm the type of girl who gets amish bonnets from her friends and wears them with bright red lipstick.
i'm the type of girl who makes friends with dolls and pretends she isn't lonely.
i'm the type of girl who loves you.
—
i always make up stories and write entries in my head, but when i finally get my hands on a keyboard or pen on paper, the words always come out all clumsy and sound awkward. kind of like when i talk.
—la clase de español
boy forgot his present at school. so my friend [the lady who works in the office at school] had to go give it to him, and then my other friend [who bought it with me] made me go outside with her and watch him open it. he kind of laughed and didn't look too wierded out. so maybe he was kind of okay with it, which would be good. either that or he was going to go home and cry. that would be nice. i like to think that i could have that much power over him. that i could make him cry. isn't that sick? but that's not really true. i don't want to cause him tears. i don't want to hurt him. but i do want to make people cry. when i'm all grown up and married to orlando bloom, i'm going to make movies that make people cry. i'm in film school and no one knows my name but there isn't a dry eye in the house. five million crumpled tissues and mascara trails later and i'm famous and they love me. i just wanna be loved. will you love me?
—
i think i was born to be amish. i want to go amish when i'm older. maybe for only six months or something, i don't think i could stand it for longer than that. can you do that? i hope so.

tugging at her life vest,
.anouk.

...i love you so much it hurts...

thrill me, kill me. just make me feel something.

why am i in such a sappy mood? because i'm lonely, my life sucks, and the boy i love looks like a faun?

i have my library card memorised. ;-)

i always get crushes on comic, book, TV, and movie characters, and it tears me up that they're fictional.

pretending to be normal,
.anouk.

...these butterflies have steel wings...

the boy i am in love with turned 18 yesterday. i got him a bag of dried shrimp. they were disgusting...shriveled bodies in transparent shells. their eyeballs looked like tiny raisins. did he like them? we'll see.

i am holding 151 proof rum in my mouth until my eyes tear and my tongue burns and i have to spit it out. the top of my mouth is numb and he'll never love me but i can't bring myself to swallow. what will it take?

my life's a mess and i'm stumbling all over trying to make it right and struggling not to slide back into apathetic weakness.

i was asked today why i don't go to the other high school. the one where my friends are. the one i don't hate. i told her i didn't know. that if i don't go to italy [i'm hoping hoping hoping] i'm going to see about a transfer.

i wish that i could change for you.

i just realised that i have been in love with boy since he was 15...so i'm older now than he was then. and he's only about a year and a half older than me. [sigh]

dreaming the impossible dream,
.anouk.

...zoe tropeness...

i'm biphobic because of all of the negative connotations associated with the label bisexual and i'm heterophobic because typical heterosexual relationships make me nauseous and i'm not gay because lesbians don't want to fuck boys and i am lying to everyone all the time. it's just love. it's just a little four-letter word, it's just whispered between "i" and "you" before you make her come, it's just a heart-shaped symbol, it's all you need, according to john lennon.

[please don't kill the freshman][zoe trope is beautiful]

burying her nose in a book and aching for love,
.anouk.

...pull yerself together and fight the good fight...

new banner:



copy, save it, post it, spread it. just don't steal my bandwidth, mm'kay? share the love.

forever photoshopping,
.anouk.

...don't misunderestimate the power...

of my life to SUCK.

[ahem]

i finally got over the fact that i had an empty harddrive, and decide, why not, it will be like starting over. somethings i will miss like hell, but whatever. so i started working on my russia paper on it, assuming that applecare had done something right with it, for once. ha. HA. my computer started malfunctioning yesterday...to-day dad is initializing the hd and reinstalling panther. for christ's sake...they should just give me a macbook pro. [nods] yep. that's what they should do.

my spring break has been rather boring...working on homework and watching the OC (when my computer was working). yep. i am going to bleach my hair tomorrow morning (fuck i'm going to have to get up at, like, 2:30am) to see how much of this red i can get out. it will probably look like shit but whatever. ugh i am just so sick of this life.

cursing the ant invasion,
.anouk.

ps. i heart suicidegirls. they make any day AWESOME. [is not even going to think about all the SGTV and SGRadio that she had on her computer]
x.a.

p.p.s. dost thou like the new banner? it's edie sedgewick, under many photoshop filters. <3
x.a.

...i'll take mine without the cream...

they replaced my hard drive. they replaced my fucking hard drive. just in and out. didn't give me my old one. not that it would be of any practical use, but it would help. god, my computer was my life. you know that. my best friend, really. sure, duck is my best friend, but my computer is nearly always by my side. i don't even know how much i had there that i didn't save. i was always going to. always fucking going to. but i never had enough time. and now it's gone. fucking trills at me when i open it up like it's so proud of itself. goddamnit that's not my computer. my computer is overstuffed and overwhelmed, ragged, saucy, stubborn, and my soul. my soul has amnesia and i don't know how to cope. the main thing i know i'm missing is my suicidegirls videos and podcasts...i can get those back, though. i lost more. my pictures of bEe that she has since removed. i wonder if she'd give them to me if i asked. i'm lost...i can't find my way. i thought that getting my computer back would solve everything, but it hasn't. it's made everything worse. because now there's no hope. i don't even want to fucking touch it because it hurts too much. my heart is really broken and i don't know what to do. i have to call someone...they're all on spring break, though. scattered. not that they'd really understand. boy might, but i can't very well call him, crying. he'd think me the fool for not having a complete backup, anyways.

my life is hopeless. every time it seems to get a little better, something happens that brings it down farther, worse than it was before. what do i do when i reach the point of no return? my mother already wastes no time in telling me i have huge problems. i can't go on like this.

sobbing in time to the postal service,
.anouk.

p.s. i don't know what the title means either. x.a.

...you turn my soul to fireworks...

-click pic for fullsize-

i don't know where i stand on boy [haha, stand on boy] right now. i think i'm over him. but then again, whenever i'm away from him for a period of time, i think i'm over him. and then i see him, and i'm totally not. not that i have a chance. ugh, it's all so futile and juvenile and annoying.

humming "o, canada" and waiting for the crash,
.anouk.

...a weighty matter...

i keep gaining weight. it's because i'm overeating [especially chocolate, and other fatty foods], and sitting on my ass all day. i do have a high metabolism, so extra calories don't do as much damage as they might another person, but constant overload is causing my thighs, hips, and stomach to expand like balloons. it's gross. so i think i'm going to finish off my easter chocolate [not a difficult task], and switch frozen peas [maybe blueberries, as well?] for my other higher calorie and lower nutritional value snacks. with some exercise [excuse me while i laugh at the thought] and trying to keep my lenten pledge of no soda [even though it ended, i slipped up a few times. i must make that right], i should be able to get back into slimness. hopefully. dammit i wish i had the self control to be anorexic. i'm pretty much done growing [though there's always hope. hope!] so it wouldn't do as much damage as if i, were, say, 12. i read an interview with portia di rossi [you know, the gorgeous lindsay bluthe fünke from arrested development] in vogue, and she said she was down to 300 calories a day while she was on ally mcbeal or whatever. 300! how do you do that??? i eat 300 calories for snack!! i could learn from this woman.

wishing for loose jeans,
.anouk.

...hang ups...

why are people so hung up labeling people, and then deciding whether or not they like them, based on the label they've applied? and i'm not talking GOTH EMO PREP ZOMG!!! i mean like gay straight bi fag lesbian whatever. i consider myself a straight girl, sure, why not. but i can still be attracted by girls, right? 'cause some girls are hot. some aren't. the same can be said about dudes. it's not like i'm going to do anything with either sex...so i like to think of myself perched here for now...a girl who likes boys. it's normal, it's me, whatever. but if something better comes along, then i'll move. i'm flexible. because for all the cynicism and jadedness, i still believe in true love. sure, it may be hard to find, and a lot of things [including my favourite sin, lust] dress up in pretty clothes and pretend to be it, but true love still exists. and if my true love comes along, and it doesn't fit exactly into the form i've made for it [though i am still holding onto my dream of marrying my orlando], i'm not going to let it pass me by because of some idiotic label i, or anyone, have affixed to myself. i'm not that stupid.





[on another note, i can't believe that i wrote "clean teeth are where it's out" instead of "clean teeth are where it's at" and didn't notice it until now. gah, i am such a tool. but seriously, kids, clean teeth are where it's at. so "brush 'em while you got 'em", as ye olde wavy gravy says.


buying a cell phone,
.anouk.

...my life's increasingly random...

my dreams of late have been filled with death, sexy things, and cigarettes. seriously, what. the. fuck. the death parts have been creepy. the sexy things, sexy...most of the time. sometimes weird. and the cigarettes never smell. or, if they do, not very strongly. i usually notice this in my dream, not just afterwords. and i never cough.

so yeah, i tried to bleach my hair...the natural part, my roots, bleached out just jim dandy the way i wanted them too, but the rest [the black dyed part] turned flaming orange/red. so now i look like a natural blonde who is growing out a red dyejob. what. the. hell. i swear, my hair is the biggest asshole since slobidan milosovich. i may try to bleach it again on weds. or thurs. or fri. or something. see if i can get this red shit [though it's decent red shit] out of my hair and get it true glamour-girl blonde. i may need another pack of scalp-blistering goodness, though. i bought two, we'll see what the second one does.

life has been kind of strange for me, lately. i have no computer, apple is supposedly fixing it. and the 'rents have put password necessary on all the other internets in the house. which is why i'm never online lately.

i got my report card, that was fun. my parents were suprisingly calm. the only thing i got cut was my ballet. i can [kind of] live with that for now, we'll see once school starts up. i think they really want me to succeed, and help me, but it's weird to be at peace with them. [shrug] i just want to do well in everything, but i'm not that good at it.

i thought of two photoshoots i want to do with friends...all i have to do is get a hold of a few things, convince them to do it, and acquire the talent to make it worth it.

i formulated a story in my head today. i think it would make a good one, with time and effort. i was all hot to write it, of course, when i couldn't, but i spent so much time thinkin' about it [when i should have been chemistryizing, dammitdammitdammit] that i don't much feel like typin' it up now. that happens to me a lot. i write a story or blog entry in my head, revise, reread, etc, but when it comes time to put thought to pen [or keyboard] i can't quite do it. grrrrrr.

the preacher gave a really inspiring easter sermon. it was about "putting on christ", how everyone should try to be like christ, but not only that. he also talked about this philosopher who said something about how when you pretend to be a great man you end up being one. it was a lot better when he said it but i guess that's why he's the priest and i'm not. it was really cool, though. i'm going to try to pretend to be a scholar so that i can actually be one. i want to be good. i want it desperately. but it's hard.

i had a panic attack the other day after i threw a stack of college brochures in the recycling. ones i was interested in, mind you. i was screaming and crying and hyperventilating and it felt like i threw away my future. i eventually calmed down, and the next morning rescued the glossy sheets.

it's nearly 2 am and i have three medical appointments tomorrow. i hope that my orthodontist will tell me that i need only wear ricky & ricardo at night [pretty much what i do anyways, but i'd like his blessing], the oral surgeon to tell me i, in fact, have no wisdom teeth [pray for a miracle!], and the eye doctor to tell me that there is, in fact, something wrong with my eyes, and can be fixed by thick rimmed glasses or purple contacts.

i'll probably think of something else ridiculous to post in a minute, but for now....

counting the seeds of hades' pomegranates,
.anouk.

...i didn't think that it would hurt so much...

okay, you know what i said about failing, and wanting someone to acknowledge it? well, someone did. in a roundabout way. i stayed after school for a SAT Timed Writing Prep Workshop [isn't that studious of me??], and therefore had to endure an hour and a half drive home. with my mother. she decided to take this oppourtunity to reiterate her point that you have to get good grades in college. i quote: "you know how at the info sessions, someone would ask 'is it better to take easier classes and get good grades, or take harder classes and get not so good grades?', and they said 'take the harder classes and get good grades'". there was more but i really don't have time to type it now...maybe if i'm on later.

annoyedly yours,
.anouk.

...suicidal tendencies...

a boy who i grew up with killed himself yesterday. i can hardly believe it. i didn't know him well, but he was still a part of my life. it feels like someone is squeezing my heart and it is hard to breathe.

this is the second teenage suicide in my area in only a few months...it's really heartbreaking. i don't live in a highly populated area, either. one of them went to the school up the hill from mine, and yesterday's was on independent study [through that high school]. jesus. any ideas of suicide have pretty much flown from my mind now...i haven't thought about it [for me] for a while now, but after seeing and going through the aftermath twice now, i really don't think i could do that to those around me. not that anyone cares enough about me to be really bothered.

but goddammit why do these things happen???

trying desperately not to cry,
.anouk.

...it starts the same way as fun...

goddamnit. at this very moment in my life i am a huge failure in more ways than two, but nobody will fucking let me admit it and it is driving me crazy. if judgement day is postponed one more second i think that i will explode.

my inability to function as a normal high schooler is driving me insane. the fact that those around me see this inability as lack of effort does not help things. i am 3 days late on a huge paper and i cannot process what i am trying to write. i took a chem test today and looked at the problems and had no idea how to solve them. i'm completely lost and there's no way out.

i chose the wrong fucking school to go to. i left my friends and now i'm stuck here. i hardly have any friends, am failing [that's right] too many classes, am utterly miserable, and am about to have my ballet [one of my few enjoyments] cut [because of the aforementioned failures]. after my failures this quarter have been confirmed, my ballet cut, i think that i'm going to try to transfer to the right high school. either that or do homeschool. i would learn so much more if i could design my own curriculum.

nobody reads this anymore, and yet i still write it. sporadically. i am such a whiny bitch.

pathetically yours,
anouk

p.s. i don't understand russian history. it doesn't help that i have rather shoddy knowledge of other areas of history as well.

...mission impossible...

i find my daily life plagued by two impossible crushes:

one is impossible because he's totally out of my league, and has a girlfriend.

the other is also out of my league, and is a girl.

goddammit i hate my life.