...my life's increasingly random...

my dreams of late have been filled with death, sexy things, and cigarettes. seriously, what. the. fuck. the death parts have been creepy. the sexy things, sexy...most of the time. sometimes weird. and the cigarettes never smell. or, if they do, not very strongly. i usually notice this in my dream, not just afterwords. and i never cough.

so yeah, i tried to bleach my hair...the natural part, my roots, bleached out just jim dandy the way i wanted them too, but the rest [the black dyed part] turned flaming orange/red. so now i look like a natural blonde who is growing out a red dyejob. what. the. hell. i swear, my hair is the biggest asshole since slobidan milosovich. i may try to bleach it again on weds. or thurs. or fri. or something. see if i can get this red shit [though it's decent red shit] out of my hair and get it true glamour-girl blonde. i may need another pack of scalp-blistering goodness, though. i bought two, we'll see what the second one does.

life has been kind of strange for me, lately. i have no computer, apple is supposedly fixing it. and the 'rents have put password necessary on all the other internets in the house. which is why i'm never online lately.

i got my report card, that was fun. my parents were suprisingly calm. the only thing i got cut was my ballet. i can [kind of] live with that for now, we'll see once school starts up. i think they really want me to succeed, and help me, but it's weird to be at peace with them. [shrug] i just want to do well in everything, but i'm not that good at it.

i thought of two photoshoots i want to do with friends...all i have to do is get a hold of a few things, convince them to do it, and acquire the talent to make it worth it.

i formulated a story in my head today. i think it would make a good one, with time and effort. i was all hot to write it, of course, when i couldn't, but i spent so much time thinkin' about it [when i should have been chemistryizing, dammitdammitdammit] that i don't much feel like typin' it up now. that happens to me a lot. i write a story or blog entry in my head, revise, reread, etc, but when it comes time to put thought to pen [or keyboard] i can't quite do it. grrrrrr.

the preacher gave a really inspiring easter sermon. it was about "putting on christ", how everyone should try to be like christ, but not only that. he also talked about this philosopher who said something about how when you pretend to be a great man you end up being one. it was a lot better when he said it but i guess that's why he's the priest and i'm not. it was really cool, though. i'm going to try to pretend to be a scholar so that i can actually be one. i want to be good. i want it desperately. but it's hard.

i had a panic attack the other day after i threw a stack of college brochures in the recycling. ones i was interested in, mind you. i was screaming and crying and hyperventilating and it felt like i threw away my future. i eventually calmed down, and the next morning rescued the glossy sheets.

it's nearly 2 am and i have three medical appointments tomorrow. i hope that my orthodontist will tell me that i need only wear ricky & ricardo at night [pretty much what i do anyways, but i'd like his blessing], the oral surgeon to tell me i, in fact, have no wisdom teeth [pray for a miracle!], and the eye doctor to tell me that there is, in fact, something wrong with my eyes, and can be fixed by thick rimmed glasses or purple contacts.

i'll probably think of something else ridiculous to post in a minute, but for now....

counting the seeds of hades' pomegranates,
.anouk.