...i'll take mine without the cream...

they replaced my hard drive. they replaced my fucking hard drive. just in and out. didn't give me my old one. not that it would be of any practical use, but it would help. god, my computer was my life. you know that. my best friend, really. sure, duck is my best friend, but my computer is nearly always by my side. i don't even know how much i had there that i didn't save. i was always going to. always fucking going to. but i never had enough time. and now it's gone. fucking trills at me when i open it up like it's so proud of itself. goddamnit that's not my computer. my computer is overstuffed and overwhelmed, ragged, saucy, stubborn, and my soul. my soul has amnesia and i don't know how to cope. the main thing i know i'm missing is my suicidegirls videos and podcasts...i can get those back, though. i lost more. my pictures of bEe that she has since removed. i wonder if she'd give them to me if i asked. i'm lost...i can't find my way. i thought that getting my computer back would solve everything, but it hasn't. it's made everything worse. because now there's no hope. i don't even want to fucking touch it because it hurts too much. my heart is really broken and i don't know what to do. i have to call someone...they're all on spring break, though. scattered. not that they'd really understand. boy might, but i can't very well call him, crying. he'd think me the fool for not having a complete backup, anyways.

my life is hopeless. every time it seems to get a little better, something happens that brings it down farther, worse than it was before. what do i do when i reach the point of no return? my mother already wastes no time in telling me i have huge problems. i can't go on like this.

sobbing in time to the postal service,
.anouk.

p.s. i don't know what the title means either. x.a.