...these butterflies have steel wings...

the boy i am in love with turned 18 yesterday. i got him a bag of dried shrimp. they were disgusting...shriveled bodies in transparent shells. their eyeballs looked like tiny raisins. did he like them? we'll see.

i am holding 151 proof rum in my mouth until my eyes tear and my tongue burns and i have to spit it out. the top of my mouth is numb and he'll never love me but i can't bring myself to swallow. what will it take?

my life's a mess and i'm stumbling all over trying to make it right and struggling not to slide back into apathetic weakness.

i was asked today why i don't go to the other high school. the one where my friends are. the one i don't hate. i told her i didn't know. that if i don't go to italy [i'm hoping hoping hoping] i'm going to see about a transfer.

i wish that i could change for you.

i just realised that i have been in love with boy since he was 15...so i'm older now than he was then. and he's only about a year and a half older than me. [sigh]

dreaming the impossible dream,
.anouk.