...it's funny, the way that works...

i hardly ever post now...only when i'm close to hitting bottom. i'm truly sorry. i'm one of the worst bloggers, i know. but if you're still reading that means you maybe aren't quite sick of me yet. so here goes:

i'm basically failing out of sophmore year. i can hardly believe it, but the quarter ends soon [read: friday] and i have a very distinct feeling that my grades will be low. very low. i'm kind of glad, actually. i'm tired of lying to everyone. i'm ready to tell my parents the truth, that i can't handle a normal high school education the way some kids can. i wish i could, but i can't. and i don't know what to do. hopefully i'll be able to figure out something that will work, something that ASSE will accept so that i can still go to italy. i really don't know what i'd do if i can't do that. to tell you the truth, i though i could handle the rest of this year, then go to italy, and that would some how give me a break and prepare me for senior year, then i'd be out. but it's becoming painfully obvious that i can't do that.

i really don't want to drop out. dropping out is trailer park. meth addiction. dropping out is selling cigarettes at the gas-n-go and then dying at 45, overweight and alone. that's not what i want.

i do have hopes for the future. dreams. fantasies, really. and now i sit back complacently at watch myself trash them. what i want, what i really and truly want, is to go to NYU, make a few movies [ones not only of qualitay and meaning but of earning power so that i can make enough to support myself and my family, and send all of my kids to college], marry orlando bloom, have 6 children, semi-retire to raise the kids partly on a farm in canada and partly in nyc, and own a kitchenaid in every colour.

right now, though, i can imagine my future so perfectly, it almost seems like i'm watching someone else's. the future "me" is just a little too pretty, a little too smart, a little too loved by everyone. and besides, i'm tearing down my chances of ever living that dream, my dream, right now. i could never get into NYU [even if i could afford it] with the grades i'm getting. and orlando will probably be married to kate bosworth tomorrow. i'll be left with nothing.

nothing but my friends, i guess. my friends. ha. do you know who i went to lunch with to-day? herberta and princy. an ugly doll and a plastic horse. not even my plastic horse. i'm sixteen years old and i carry toys around with me. because i'm lonely. i don't fit in at my school. i'm lost, lonely, and in love.

see ya next week.

or, you know, whenever.

thanks for listening.

i'll unload my love problems [they're all in my head...that's the only place my love life exists. but they're troublesome all the same.] later.