...invisiband...

a shitty song poem i wrote incase i ever do have a band...

when i was young
no one knew my name
just girl anonymous
i'm goin' insane
so i set out to
be a star
everyone said
"you won't go far"
but now i'm
livin' the fairytale life.
snortin' cocaine off a broken mirror
sendin' postcards "wish you were here"
throw back yet another drink
then throw up, fingers grippin' the sink
fuck, what am i anymore?
i've lost the girl now i'm just a whore
i'd like to meet the girl i was
back before i caught the buzz
tell her to go back and hide
before she starts to die inside
'cause i'm
livin' the fairytale life
light up my cigarette
sorry love i gotta jet
leave me alone to ponder my fears
my mascara's runnin' with so many tears
reach for the razor cut another line
suck it up the world's mine
lay the blade against my skin
i can feel my life endin'
my blood goes drip
like crimson rain
i watch it fall
but feel no pain
i'm floating away
from my crazy life
away from the blood
and away from the drugs
away from the sex
and away from the pain
i can hear the music playin' in my head
right before the world ends...

...dream invasion...

as if he didn't spend enough time in my waking thoughts, boy (who i haven't seen in a week in a half), just had to insert his hot little self into my dreamworld. boy + already weird dreams = something i don't know if it's a nightmare or a sweet dream. the first part was definitely was lovely...i wish that part could come true. but it quickly went downhill from there. landing somewhere south of hell.

it prettyr much started (that i remember) with him just hugging me from behind. i didn't know who it was but for some reason i thought that it was him. (one thing you ought to know is when i'm tired i have dreams that i can't open my eyes very easily). so he was telling me how he had liked me for a long time but was shy and i was like "woah"...and then suddenly we were together it was weird. but we were like holding hands and whatnot...the whole bit had this really happy feel to it. and then later, i saw this IM transcript (wierd, i know) hanging out of his pocket and i was reading it and he was talking about me in it...then a little later he asked me, "so i heard that you were stalking me or something" and i was like, "errrrrrr no" (thinking: holy heck how did he know that???) and we laughed. we were at this school thing, and everyone had sleeping bags and we were going to sleep and i was going to sleep next to him and then suddenly these two girls came over and boom he just started to up and ignore me like he didn't know me at all and was paying all his attention to them and i pretended i didn't care and burrowed into my bag and started crying...then later he went off with them and i was really lonely (for some reason i didn't know anyone else there) and then the girls came back and they're like "keep their hands off him or we'll kill you" and they were threatening me with hair dryers but i was real scared...and then i woke up. there was more than that but i can't really remember it.

okay so that's a real crappy way to say it all but i was IMing with a friend...

...anarchy...

anarchie. anarchy. n: a state of lawlessness and disorder (usually resulting from a failure of government) (dictionary.com). what a concept.

we've been seeing that a lot lately. i guess it's "in style" for all the pseudo-punks that now roam the malls of america. (and the world). but really, how many people who flash the A really know what it means?

Absence of any form of political authority. (dicitonary.com) a country without government...what would america be like? would it resemble early (and current) post-invasion iraq and afghanistan? looting, violence....yes, a healthy dose of anarchy is good for the soul. in certain places. an anarchic society consisting of intelligent, mostly sane, peaceful (to a point) people could exist and thrive, i believe. but take a random grabbing of today's citizens, and it could quickly morph into something far more intense and insane.

i'd like to get into this deeper, but i'm tired, so it won't be the least bit intelligent. so i'll add more later. comments, please!

...hunter s thompson...

from WENN:

Thompson To Be Blasted Across Estate

Hunter S. Thompson's ashes will be fired across his Colorado estate by a cannon, in keeping with his final wishes. The journalist and author committed suicide at his secure compound in Woody Creek on Sunday. He was 67. The Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas author wanted a simple, but bizarre funeral, during which his body is cremated and his ashes blasted across the ranch, according to his lawyer George Tobia Jr. Thompson's friend, journalist Troy Hooper explains, "I believe he wanted to be shot out of a cannon. I understand it's in his will. That's Hunter's style. That's how he would want it. He was a big fan of bonfires and explosions and anything that went bang and I'm sure he'd like to go bang as well."



*We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold..."

...tp angst...

you know what really bugs me? one-ply flat toilet paper. i mean, it's okay in a restaurant or whatever, but not in your home bathroom! i mean, who really wants to wipe their ass with that stuff? you might as well just use notebook paper! but the thing is, since the paper itself is so thin, THE ROLL LASTS FOREVER. the torture is never-ending! and if the person who bought it really is a sadist, then they bought at least two rolls....

bring on the 2 ply quilted! please! i'm a-dyin' over here!

...lots of stuff...

i was poking through my computer last night and found a load of old poetry and whatnot, so that's where all the below stuff is from. don't steal it. and if it sucks, keep in mind that it's old. so there.

...he hit the window...

He brought his fist back and hit the window. The glass shattered. It did not fly, but stayed where the window had been, but transformed from a single pane into millions of tiny particles. The glass fell.

This all happened in a fraction of a second, and yet time seemed to have slowed to a crawl as the glass fell. It fell as a waterfall does, the dust on the windowlege puffed up like vapor does for a waterfall. It was beautiful.

Clear to white. One to many. The glass shattered. Falling. Forever. That moment in time.

...lots o' wee poetry bits...

Cool blue
Ice cubes
Warm rain
Peace
Falling into bed at night

~

Rose petals
Falling
Dying
Always living

~

Smoke blossomes
Takes over
The sky
Falling towers

~

Laughter rings
Like a
Bell
Flying into
Eternity

~

The beating heart
Slowly stopping
A life
Ends

~




Bleached blonde
Rhinestones
Sun glasses
California

~

Silence
Crashing Empty
Overwhelming
Quiet
Deafening

~

Dreams
Sundaes
Pastel Gardens
Iradescent
Lost Forever

~

Love
Strong
Invisible
There
Gone
Never knowing

~

Tears
Salty remnants
Of a
Sadness
A Joy
Glittering rivers

...rememberings...

I lost my bracelet from Hawaii.
It had dolphins leaping with
the grace of aquatic jaguars.
It was the color of a mirror:
Silvery reflections.
If I close my eyes,
It becomes the color of
the moon to a blind person:
nothing but a tiny remembering.
As quiet as a cat
walking through ink.
A sweet remembering,
like the first creme egg of Easter
But then I remember it's gone,
and sigh with the taste of
a newly painted door
on my tongue.
I put on my hat,
and say to my hippo,
"Hold onto your spats, we're going to Hawaii!"

...terrible...

TERRIBLE
CHILDREN BEGGING
DIGGING THROUGH THE TRASH
LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO EAT
HOPING THAT THERE MAY BE SOMETHING
HOPING THAT SOMEONE MIGHT GIVE THEM
A PESO OR A PIECE OF HOPE
A BIT OF FOOD OR A BIT OF LOVE
ONE IS BAREFOOT
I ALMOST CRIED
THEY ARE SO LITTLE
AND HAVE SO LITTLE
IT’S
NOT
RIGHT!
I WISH I COULD HOLD THEM
AND HUG THEM
I ALREADY KNOW I LOVE THEM
THE KIDS ON THE STREET
THE KIDS WITH BARE FEET
I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO SEE IT,
BUT I’M GLAD I DID.
I CAN’T BLOCK IT OUT ENTIRELY,
BUT I CAN HELP IT
I ALREADY HAVE
A LITTLE BIT
FOUR TINY CHILDREN
AT CHICHEN ITZA
I GAVE THEM MY MONEY AND WATER
I WISH I HAD GIVEN THEM MORE
MY HEART WAS BREAKING
MY EYES WERE STINGING
I HAVE SO MUCH
AND THEY SO LITTLE
WHY MUST LIFE BE SO UNFAIR
AMERICANS DON’T SLOW DOWN
THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT’S AROUND THEM
ALL THE THINGS THEY TAKE FOR GRANTED
ARE NOT THERE
EVERYWHERE
SO THINK ABOUT THAT SOME
SEE IF IT BREAKS YOUR HEART
MINE IS IN PIECES
FOUR, NO MORE, NO LESS
FOR FOUR TINY CHILDREN,
AT CHICHEN ITZA

...crying...

When I see people dying
I feel like crying
Coz the president is lying
So he can get oil without buying
but he doesn't understand
that with every woman and man
who falls "for our land"
we are getting farther from
our ultimate goal of
peace.

...protest...

All around the world
people protest for peace
protest against the hate and war
promoted by our leaders
but some of those protests are
ruined by people who hate
and spray paint
break windows
and hate our warlords
but don't understand that
their hate keeps them from
understanding their
message of
love

...rebellion...

everyone of us is a rebel
whatever we wear
we rebel against the expectations
and decisions of those
Older and "wiser" than us
Sometimes, we are the wiser
And our voice is strong
and loud with our conviction
and knowledge that
we are right
But the leaders of our nations
are too wrapped up in their visions
of violent glory
to hear our song
of peace and love
and see beyond
the mushroom cloud
to the flocks of peaceful doves
released through
our open minds

...depressing movie ness...

it's ruther depressing to watch a movie (con parents) and rather like it, and have to listen to them bitching about how shitty it was and get up and leave.

i've been sick since wednesday, and by friday i was well enough to be really fucking bored just sitting around at home. now, usually my dad calls before he comes home for lunch. so, i devised a brilliant plan. when dad called, i'd ask him to get me one of three (3) movies at the video store. my choices were: Boys Don't Cry, Mean Girls, and New York Minute. i hadn't seen any of them, expected boys don't cry to be good, mean girls okay, and new york minute on the shit side of okay. but dad didn't call. *grumble grumble grumble* so, instead of being able to watch my movie in peace, i had to wait until my whole flipping family was there to fuck up my movie watching experience. i ended up with boys don't cry, which i loved. it was really good. i highly recommend it. its pretty sad. put me in a kinda depressed mood. but its all good. :D

just annoyed at the parents a bit.

...lack of updation i know...

sorry for not updating for a couple of ages. i was busy then i was sick. still am sick, but a lot bloody better than i was yesterday. so yeh. don't kill me. please.

...happy valentines day...

happy valentines day, tomorrow. maybe later i'll find a lovely v-day picture for you. maybe. but have a good one. (note: i didn't get the shirt, skirt, or valentines i yearned for in a previous post)

...bookish...

i'm writing a book. yep, you heard me. read me, whatever. i'm writing it on a blog. i just set it up, so it's lame and i haven't had time to even post a chapter yet. but scamper over there, bookmark it, whatever. i'll make it pretty, soon.

Razors and Roses

...em si eow...

read a lovely article about having a band blog. now, if only i had a band....

dude, why does my dad always make popcorn right as i'm going to bed (and sometimes when i've just gone to bed, before the sleepwaves kick in), and after i've put on my headgear? it's insulting.

you should read this. because i said so. and also 'cause it's funny.

...what on earth...

here's my own version of free association:

paypal: hate it! hate it! why do so many super cool tshirt places only accept it??

ebay: my drug of choice. i am accountless, which i suppose is good for my financialosity, but bloddy hell it gets more than a little aggravating. can you say "$5.00 + $4.00 shipping Pointe shoes ending in 19 hours"? well i guess it doesn't matter if you can or not. because they are still yon. *sigh*

...it's cause i'm cool...

i won't be going to the valentine's dance tomorrow.
i'm going to ballet and then a friend's house.
and unless that friend suddenly develops a burning desire to go to said dance,
i won't be in attendance.
it's alright.
i won't be missed.

i want some sugar.
but said drug is in frustratingly short supply.
i'll have me some yum black olives instead.
olives and spice girls.
a winning combination if there ever was one.

...can you really call it art...

my latest adventures in photoshop:








i was going to make a new header/banner for this site, but forgot and ran out of time.

...theres this funny thing..

you pour out
your life
on to paper
into your work
words
dropping
black ink
into a
blacker
world
you cry
spend tears
of blood
and then
at the end
when you
have nothing
left
and you realize
the truth
that its all
for shit
what would you think?

...blah...

soz about not posting for ages. but there hasn't really been much to write aboot.

except there's a lot of stuff i want to buy. and i'm poor. and sick. *sigh* ah, well. c'est la vie.

...my gorgeous prince...

boy's back
so is brother
both are good
but
boy is still
achingly gorgeous
and i am
still too shy
if i were not
myself
i would launch
across the room
into his arms
and yell
hello, gorgey
but i am myself
and am stuck
inside this shell
and so i sit
and watch
from behind my hair
and beneath
my eyelashes
and dream
of a day
that will
never
come.

...blogthings...

You Are 18 Years Old

18 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Your Penis Name is: Captain Kirk

Get your own Penis Name

You Belong in 1959

1959 If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?

...pick up sticks...

To pick up boy: Got two nipples for a dime?

Get your own Magic Pick Up Line

wtf???

To pick up beautiful boy: You must be Jamaican... because Jamaican me crazy.

Get your own Magic Pick Up Line

corny, but less odd.

...orlando and kate...

EXCLUSIVE: ORLANDO BLOOM AND KATE BOSWORTH SPLIT
The hot romance between Lord of the Rings star Orlando Bloom, 28, and his Beyond the Sea girlfriend Kate Bosworth, 22, have split! The handsome couple met in the summer of 2002 and have been practically inseparable ever since. Bosworth's rep told Star People: "They have mutually agreed to take some time apart due to their busy upcoming work schedules. They remain very close."
Star Magazine


Kate Bosworth Reveals Why She And Orlando Bloom Split
February 3, 2005, 12:00:25

Kate Bosworth reportedly dumped Orlando Bloom because she was fed-up with his male friends.

The screen beauty revealed the final straw came after the heartthrob actor spent a debauched night out with fellow star Sean Bean.

The sexy actress was reportedly virtually ignored earlier that evening at the Golden Globe Awards, where her boyfriend of three years chose to chat instead to 'Pirates of the Caribbean' co-star Johnny Depp.
He then disappeared with actor Sean Bean for a heavy drinking session until the early hours.

A source close to the couple, who met on the set of a Gap advert in 2002, is quoted by Britain's Daily Star as saying: "Kate always knew that Orlando liked to chill with his mates, but it just started to get ridiculous.

"With their busy schedules they hardly got to see each other as it was, so when he disappeared with the boys it was awful.

"She told him that she couldn't see the relationship working unless they made more time for one another. But it just didn't happen."

Despite Orlando taking Kate on a make-or-break holiday to Brazil last month in a bid to repair their relationship, she decided she had had enough.

The friend added: "Orlando is a social bloke and he misses the camaraderie of the laddish drinking culture in the UK. When Sean was around he jumped at the chance to sink a few jars."

female first


hm. i hope that they're both alright.

...monkey business...

this guy made my day.

(and if you want to spring for a domain for meeeeee, email me )

...archivi...

there's three months
in my archive
it makes me feel
like i've accomplished
something
instead of reality
which is me
pouring out
all the random crap
that comes into my head
for a month
with a little
on either side
are you proud?
i am.

...passion play...

well the parents weren't upset
that i got a b.
in geomet
my gpa is 3.83
which is fine by me

did you know
that a drop of
pure nicotine
on your hand
will have you dead
within the hour
?
and if you
inject it
it's even faster
how does it compare
i wonder
to air
?

ballet
kicked my ass
on monday
last time i'm doing that
on no sleep.

brother will be
back in school
tomorrow
so will
boy

*

...happy days...

i hope that you all had a groovy st. bridget's day.
i did.
i guess the groundhog saw it's shadow.
that's what dublin said.
damn.
more winter.
just what i wanted.
not.
oh well.
there's no arguing with nature.
damn groundhog.
if it was a hedger
it wouldn't have see its shadow.
or if it had
it would've lied about it.
because that's the way they are.
better than the damn groundhogs.

...real...flippin...

tired. all the time. more post later. maybe. night.

...sexy...

i just want to put him on a leash and take him around with me.