...like nicotine...

i dislike vicodin. it makes me woozy and unsure of myself. like the sensation triggered by nicotine, only instead of being just a flash it lasts...goddammit. i'm outfitting strongbad with all the latest gizmos, and it's confusing and i want to go home.

crying inside,
*madlane*

...lost and confused...

i shouldn't be awake...i should be sleeping now, dreaming vicodin-fueled dreams and resting up for work tomorrow. instead i'm here, awake, online. with nothing and everything to do. i feel alone, and sad, and unloved. because the rest of the world is asleep...i crave talent, i crave love. i want to love and be loved. i want to be admired for more than random bursts of outrageousness. i want to feel like myself...i want to be memorable, forgotten. i want to know the world outside of my computer screen. i want to be president. i want to be queen. i want to be a ups driver. i want roller skates, bubble gum, and i want to be blonde.

closing her eyes against the world,
*madlane*

...purple haired girl...

my hair has started to fade...it's a purply shade now (though still looks blue in pictures...weird...). the part that wasn't completely bleached is really starting to look like le crap. i still get compliments on it, though. at the wedding i worked at on sunday, i was known as "the purple haired girl". some guy was like, "i like your hair,". then, later, another guy told someone else to "get out of the way, the purple haired girl needs to work," when i was trying to clean up. afterwords, i was sitting on the steps waiting for my dad to come pick me up (curse my drivers licensce-free life), and some guy comes over and is like, "oh, you're the purple haired girl". me: "yep, that's me." it was great. not great enough to warrant copious amounts of money thrown at me, unfortunately. -sigh-

i'm thinking of redying my hair next month...i still have a little left. thank goodness we still have gloves under the sink, i'm not cool enough to dye my hands along with my hair.

admiring your smile,
*grape girl*

...tying up loose endzZz...

i was looking back at this page of entries, and realized that there are a few things i need to follow up on:

i never gave boy the letter/cd. i was copying it over at school, and i wasn't going to have it done in time for when i wanted to sneak it into his timbuk2, and then i decided that it really wasn't worth it, and i didn't actually want to give it to him. it's in my drawer...maybe next week i'll take it down to the beach and do something dramatic like burn it, and scatter the ashes in the ocean. that would be AWESOME. i still listen to my copy of the cd, though. i like it!

i never kissed boy. obviously. thank the lord, i'm really glad not to have him as my first kiss. i'll save that for some other asshole, thankyouverymuch.

project anorexia is kind of being sabotaged by working at a restaurant. there's soo much good food around there that i can't help but gorge...wedding cake, pheasant, the best goat cheese ever, soups, bread, left over whatever....jesus. next week, i believe, project anorexia and project tan will really commence. i convinced my mum to buy me 2 swimsuits (le yay!), and so i'll think i'll start walking to the beach (probably a good 2 or more miles, each way) hopefully once a day, tanifying (while reading howard zinn, the great gatsby, etc, for my history class), and walking home, stopping on the way every few days to buy more diet coke and sugar-free gum, two staples of the certified madlane weight-loss diet. woohoo!!

off to hunt down isbn numbers,
*madlane*

...it's the end of an era...

and it's about fuckin' time.

i'm over boy. over, done with, hellafuckin pissed off that i didn't get over him sooner. i cannot believe that i spent that much time thinking, writing, talking about him. that i tied so much of my emotions to his actions and the actions of those around him. all that time wasted. oh well. it was fun while it lasted. i guess.

i won't go into the whole deal right now, but basically a series of events occurred that kind of put me off the whole "boy" (not dudes in general) thing, and then one thing happened that turned my whole perspective around, and made me realize that, holy shit, he doesn't care at all, he doesn't like me in that way, he never will, and me continuosly trying to tell him that i like him or whatever is not going to change anything, and frankly, i don't even like him anymore. so there. i do hope that i'll be able to look at him and appreciate his hotness again, without feeling kind of sick like i do now. because he is rather good looking.

when i look back on the whole boy thing, it seems kind of funny, but sad. i'm a little detatched from the whole thing, like it happened to someone else. i feel sorry for that other me, the one who was too blind to see what was in front of her.

goddamn i want some cigarettes.

plucking leaves from her hair,
*madlane*

...tidbits and carnivores...

i haven't time nor motivation to write up a new proper post, so here are the high (and low) lights my recent life:

*30 hours of studying, 27 pages of notes, and 2:30 am, and the chem final still kicked my ass. i almost burst into tears when the period was over*

*boy was not looking to hot today. it bothered me. i still like him, right? he also left before i could flower his car.*

*today for lunch i had a diet coke and half a cigarette. my first. it was...odd. i don't know if i'll do it again. i probably will.*

*i got my macbook and my digital camera today. i love them both to death.*

*i hate finals week*

*i got a job.*

confused and tired but not defeated,
*madlane*

...um, yeah, do i know you?...

i went to a high school graduation on friday. a graduation for the school i might have gone too. it was a bad idea. well, it was a good idea. it worked, in theory. i got to watch some of my oldest friends graduate from highschool, and i got to see some of my other old friends. it should have been lovely.

but it wasn't, not quite. for one thing, lately, i've noticed, when i'm around town with one of my friends (who i've been friends with my whole life), other people that we've known forever say hi to her, but not me. am i just paranoid? anti-social? does this blue hair really make me look that different? or am i really falling out of every social loop around, and everyone is forgetting me?

so yeah, i got hella ignored at the graduation by some people, and, while i did get to see my friendzZz, i felt like the odd man out. i was dressed differently, i'm taller and fatter than all of them, and i just kind of stuck out. besides that, i got replaced by a girl who has hair so blonde that it makes me want to cry. she's beautiful and they're best friends and i'm all alone. i guess i create my life that way.

but if it's my fault, then why does it hurt so much?

biting her lips and wishing for rain,
*madlane*

...peel that smile off the wall...

according to my friend, the thing with boy was nothing...just nothing. i'm not convinced, though...we'll see, come monday, i guess. [edit: it was nothing. i'm over it. she's over it. he's going to be in my chemistry final group. her grade is too high. ha.]

until i called her, i was going crazy about it...i could hardly think about anything else. and i had decided to give boy up. i couldn't compete with my other friend anymore. but if it really was nothing....i don't know anymore. i love him so much.

but here's my good news: for my SAT scores, i got 600 on the writing section (it's decent, seeing as i only got half points on the essay), 620 on the math (that's 150 points higher than i got last time...in eighth grade), and 730 on the critical reading section. seven fucking thirty. that's 70 points less than 800. anyway, my mum said that colleges usually look at anything above a 700 as an 800. hell fucking yes. i was[/am] soooo fucking happy about it...i couldn't stop talking about it. i felt bad, as if i were bragging, but i wasn't, not on purpose. i just felt like, "see? i can do good, too! not just my stupid genius brother!" [of course, he got 800s in middle school, but whatever. i still did damn good.] my mom said, "those scores will get you into good schools" or something of the sort. it was amazing...she hardly says anything encouraging lately, it's always "you say you want to go to a good school but you aren't going to, with your grades." thanks for the inspiration, mom. but hey, with these decent scores, i might be able to get at least one 800 the next time i take it!

my other good news: my hair FREAKING FINALLY dyed blue. and is still blue, a week and a half later.

this was going to be longer but i felt guilty about not posting.

staring at her shoelaces,
*madlane*

p.s. project anorexia, take 2, is going okay dokay. diet coke is my friend.

...apathy can really suck...

but sometimes it would be nice.


boy and my friend (who has a crush on him) may or may not have gotten romantically involved today. the fact that they may have is crushing my soul but it's the uncertainty that's killing me. why the fuck do i care so much?


because i'm in love with him. no matter how much i laugh about it, make fun of it, and make a game out of it, i really, really, really, really like boy. i love boy. goddammit.


i've been fucked up about this since early afternoon...so i don't really feel like writing about this...or my good news...i can't be excited any more.



kissing the clouds and crying,
*madlane*