...merry new year...

...party safe...drink lots of red bull and vodka...see you in 2005...

...eating death...

i can't believe how we can sit here so calmly at dinner to discuss the horror of what's going on in asia. "pass the pasta, please. yeah, there are these islands that are only 8 foot above sea level at their highest point that were being hit with 30 foot waves." "mm. all the people in the street got killed. this salad is tasty." it makes me lose my appetite. please, please donate to an orginization to help the victims of the tsunamis...go to the apple website or see ...water, water, everywhere... for donating information, or search google or some other site for more information.

...pain...

my stomach hurts and i know the end is near. i will fail and i cut myself with a safety pin held in the flame until the tip turns black and then it is red with my blood. i sleep late and fail my classes i try to care but somehow i can’t. i feel fat for the first time and i don’t eat and don’t sleep and then i die. everything’s fucked up and i don’t know how to make it better. its just a fucking lie, all of it. and i am lying to the world and it lies back and i don’t give a fuck. you tell me that i will get better but i know its not true because you don’t know the half of it. to you its just stupid teenagerism well maybe you’re right. maybe you’re right and i’m wrong and the world is a sunny skip in the park. but what if i’m right and you’re wrong. what if we are really are royally fucked. what then? would you admit it, even when the walls are closing in and there’s nothing you can do? i fuck up now and i’m really in the shit. no more second chances to change my ways. i’m too far behind the hill’s too steep to climb i can no longer see the top. my transcript will be a sea of the letter after e and i won’t get into college and all my dreams will die and there is no reason to live and then you walk in and i remember. i watch from underneath the curtain of my hair and you don’t notice. you go through the motions of life not knowing that i watch your every move. you look my way and smile and our eyes lock. i explode inside and if this is what it feels like when you don’t kiss me, what would happen if you did? i go to sleep and dream of boys whose mohawks match their green eyes who kiss me and i kiss them back and i am alive. when i wake up the world ends.

...po-sure...

fuck-rawk princesses with their hot topic wardrobes flip off the camera and feel rebellious. wearing chuck taylors and black and posing for maxim and yelling into a microphone. chipped black polish on bitten nails and wifebeaters and studded belts and flat ironed hair. i give you a scowl and you tell me good job. is that all it takes? do i get a fucking gold star? somehow this doesn’t feel like life. can i be goth? paint my face white and my hair black and dress like death i’m so cool. oh fuck it’s out again.what? die for my beliefs? as long as i won’t muss my makeup. anarchy rocks! what’s anarchy? good lord i don’t know but it sounds cool, don’t it? come on stop this fucking game. just. fucking. stop.

...ortho...

orthodontist appointment tomorrow. which means a 2 hour trip. each way. in the rain. with my mother. god this life sucks. my fucking internet is being an ass so i can't access my code to make those urls links. i need to pierce my other ear. i'm uneven. which is okay, but my fuck shuite is out of line. whatever. i have two extra buttcheeks growing out of my hips. i am going insane. fuck that, i already am insane. i am going to bed to read "please don't kill the freshman" which is a damn good book by zoe trope and then i will sleep and dream of fucking (v.) beautiful boys with green mohawks and pink hair. i float above this world and watch my troubles disappear like raindrops in a pool. drip. drip. drip.

...on away messages...

I am away from my computer right now.

well, no shit you're away from your computer! that's why they call them away messages! not i'm here but i'm not going to talk to you because i'm an ass messages. if i were smarter, i'd hack into AOL and make it so whenever you thought you were selecting that message, it would say "i am a stupid, idiotic shit fucker who can't even come up with their own away message. you should never talk to me again because i am so not worth your time." and that would be that.

...water, water, everywhere...

if you haven't heard of the tsunamis in south asia, you must live under a rock. tens of thousands have been killed, and families separated. one man was holding his son so he wouldn't lose him in the water, when he was slammed into a pole, his arms flung open, and his son lost.

for more information on the earthquakes and tsunamis, go to BBC NEWS or NPR , and Tsunami Blog.

for information on how to help, go to:
Plan USA
NPR list of charities
Oxfam homepage (UK)
Oxfam America
British Red Cross
American Red Cross
Give 2 Asia
WorldChanging
Network for Good

...sometimes it all just feels so hopeless...

i'm going to fail three classes. there. i can say it with outward calm, with an air of nonchalance. but inside i am a mess. my heart is racing, tears prick behind my eyes, and my stomach is heaving. i work so hard, and yet i fail. or, i work so hard to work so hard. but i know that i am not working hard enough. no matter how hard i try, i cannot bring myself to do it. i need someone to save me. save me from this shit. before i melt into a puddle of uncried tears and unbled blood. i'm going to pass out and hit the floor, for there is no one to catch me. i've got to get my shit together, but some how my arms aren't working. oh, god.

...and thus it began...

you have stumbled upon a most unlikely place. a place that some chose to ignore and a select few embrace. a place where dreams come crashing down and rise again unscathed. this is the land of the unusual, the unexpected. so sit back, buckle your seatbelts, and try to enjoy the ride.