...pain...

my stomach hurts and i know the end is near. i will fail and i cut myself with a safety pin held in the flame until the tip turns black and then it is red with my blood. i sleep late and fail my classes i try to care but somehow i can’t. i feel fat for the first time and i don’t eat and don’t sleep and then i die. everything’s fucked up and i don’t know how to make it better. its just a fucking lie, all of it. and i am lying to the world and it lies back and i don’t give a fuck. you tell me that i will get better but i know its not true because you don’t know the half of it. to you its just stupid teenagerism well maybe you’re right. maybe you’re right and i’m wrong and the world is a sunny skip in the park. but what if i’m right and you’re wrong. what if we are really are royally fucked. what then? would you admit it, even when the walls are closing in and there’s nothing you can do? i fuck up now and i’m really in the shit. no more second chances to change my ways. i’m too far behind the hill’s too steep to climb i can no longer see the top. my transcript will be a sea of the letter after e and i won’t get into college and all my dreams will die and there is no reason to live and then you walk in and i remember. i watch from underneath the curtain of my hair and you don’t notice. you go through the motions of life not knowing that i watch your every move. you look my way and smile and our eyes lock. i explode inside and if this is what it feels like when you don’t kiss me, what would happen if you did? i go to sleep and dream of boys whose mohawks match their green eyes who kiss me and i kiss them back and i am alive. when i wake up the world ends.