...burnt lips and the catholic church...

written yesterday:

i wish that i could take a movie remote to my life. rewind, fast forward, anything but slow motion. this movie not intended for children under the age of seventeen. well, too bad, i'm here now sixteen years old and living it. control-alt-delete. but you can't force quit on life. at least not the kind that will take you back to finder, safely and offering a second chance. life's too permanent for that. too damn permanent.

i took the SAT yesterday (saturday). i think i did o.k. on it. except the essay part. what i got written was decent, i think, but 25 minutes is just too short for me to write anything complete and coherent. the people around me had the two pages written in no time, but when the proctor called end i had less than two paragraphs. oh well. fuck it. i tried. ish. but no matter my scores this time (unless i ace it, haha), i'm going to study really fucking hard for next time. vocab flashcards until my eyes bleed, countless math problems and collegiate essays in under two minutes. practice tests will be my bitch. then i'll take the test for real shake off the early morning fog and fill in all the right answers. in the mail three weeks later there will be three 800s waiting for me. i'll have matched my brother but mine will mean more not only because of the essay but because i actually had to work for mine. i'll be on top of the fucking world. and if i don't? if my scores still suck? well i guess i shouldn't judge myself by a test but if i study hard and assimilate all that fucking data and pour my soul into fill-in-the-bubble and it still doesn't measure up, i don't know what i'll do. i guess i never was that good anyways.

i'm going to ask boy if he's going to the prom tomorrow. if he says yes i'll ask if he's going with anybody. if the answer is no i'll ask him to prom. it doesn't matter what he says after that. of course, i'll be extatic if he says yes, but what really matters is that i asked him. but i won't something will go wrong. he won't be there, there isn't a chance, or a just chicken out. oh well. it was a nice thought while it lasted.


today

...fuck. i'm such a failure. i didn't ask him. of course i didn't. as much as i would like to, i never thought for a minute that i would actually go through with it. but there wasn't really a time to ask him. i will tomorrow. i swear.

i found out where boy is going to college, though. in the same town where my dearest darlingest blonde boy wants to go. different college, same small, new england town. i could visit the love of my life and my biggest crush in one trip! praise the lord!! now as long as my love still wants to go there in a year.



wanting what she can't have,
.anouk.