...trying to learn how to be...
the original title of this post was going to be "learning how to be sixteen forever", but then I realised that, if being sixteen forever meant perpetually floating in the mess of life that i am in now, no thank you. so i changed it to "trying to learn how to be" because i am. i'm trying how to learn how to exist in this world in a state that is at least semi-acceptable to both myself, and those around me. i'm having a heck of a time with it. i've been going through computer hell for the past month, which has only elevated my situation to MASSIVELY HAIRY. for my history/literature class, a portfolio, containing all our work of that semester thus far, was due on december 12. of course, prior to that date, i had very little of the said work done. but i had every intention, every intention, mind you, to get all the damned work done and in. i was (and still am) sick and tired of the smug and knowing looks my friends gave me when i did not turn in work. sick and tired of getting bad grades because i could not get my stuff together. i hated (hate even now) the vicious cycle that i subject myself to. the easiest, option, of course, is to do all the work when it is assigned, like a normal person. i know. but i don't. i am going to do my utmost to correct this in the new year, but what's past is past. i'm simply going to tell you what happened...
so, as you know, the logic drive in my beloved ibook failed. [if you don't know, see here]. that set me back a bit; some of the work i was planning on doing during thanksgiving week could not get done. i was without computer for 2 weeks or so, while it got fixed. while it was away, i received the power supply, which i got off of ebay, to replace mine that had broken months before. this was a good thing, even though it set me back $50. [note: a thing that makes me want to cry is that applecare could have paid for, not only the repair of my computer, but as many damn power cords as i could ever need. more on that later. in any case, if you have an apple product that is under 1 year old, for christsakes, get applecare!]. my computer arrived, working wonderfully, my power cord worked, i had 160gb external harddrive, and my dad configured my ibook so i could connect to the internet [dial-up....the only thing available in the sticks] at home. life, computerwise, was good.
i began working on the mountain of written work that i had to do. i was going to get this done. i was doing fine, plowing along, getting my drawings done, getting my stuff typed up, preparing, and then, MELT DOWN. it was 2.30 am, the morning the portfolio was due. suddenly, the battery is draining. and then, it's out. i check my power cord. yes, it's plugged in. but why is it not working? i unplugged, and something looked different. i couldn't figure out what, though. keep in mind, it was 2 in the morning, i had had 4 hours of sleep the previous night, my nerves were shot, and the small amounts of caffeine i had consumed were wearing off in a big way. so, my messed up, sleep deprived self was examining the plug of my cord. yes, it was different. i decided. but i couldn't remember if it had always looked like that. i fetched my father's cord, which, to my horror, was bent. oh my god...had i done that? no, it was like that when i took it out of the case. i couldn't believe my bad luck. nothing was working for me. and that, my friend, is how i ended up, on the floor of my room, kneeling, crying, gripping a pink rosary, and praying. first just my own freeform prayer, just trying to talk to god. then i decided that the lord's prayer might be more effective. so i looked it up, and started repeating it, i don't know how many times. it didn't take too long to memorise it, and this mantra calmed me, kind of helped me to see that i was being stupid, god wasn't going to come down from heaven and fix my power cord. when i was done i was a little shaken, a lot depressed, a lot stressed, but most of all, tired. so i went to bed. i won't bore you with the details, but the portfolio didn't get in, and there isn't a working power cord in the house.
on the more personal note, i've been kind of screwed up. the school/situation hasn't really helped, but lately i've been in kind of a floating sort of mood. knowing what i want to be, but not quite knowing how to get there. frustrated by my self. i've decided to start excersising...that's working out pretty good [keep in mind, i only started on sunday]. i'm doing this "boost your energy" workout from seventeen in the mornings, "get the body of a dancer" in the noon because i can't be bothered to remember everything we do in ballet [though i haven't done that yet....today i walked a mile instead], and a kickboxing thing in the evenings, as well as as many pushups and situps as i can manage. it's probably not healthy to go from as little excersise as i have been getting [1 hour of ballet and 1 of ultimate frisbee on mondays, 1.5 hour of ultimate on tuesdays and fridays], but i'll never get there if i don't go all out at first. i've been trying to work on my diet as well, but i'll be damned if it hasn't failed. i do well until about 1 o'clock, and then it's all downhill from there. it's hard....there are so many sweets in my house. if i lived alone i could get rid of them all, but i don't, so i can't. basically this is all trying to, not only make me more healthy, but get rid of the holiday weight i'm already gaining, even though it's not even christmas.
the reason why i suddenly care what i look like [not that i didn't before] and am doing, or trying to do, something about it, is because the war for boy's affections is on. this bothers me a lot, because i really like the non confrontational, masochistic way i've been dealing with my enamouration thus far. however, one of my best highschool friends had decided that she likes him as well. really likes him. and is doing something about it. well, i can't just sit back and watch her accomplish what i have so dreamed of, just like that. so, i have reluctantly decided to rise to the occasion. though i fear that boy will very much not appreciate it, that is what i must do. i cannot stand her cheshire cat grin any longer. so yes, you will have a detailed log of these endeavors, as soon as school gets in [computer technology willing]. thus began the humiliation of london.
molto grazie per listening to my lengthy rant...it's been too long.
neverending love,
london
so, as you know, the logic drive in my beloved ibook failed. [if you don't know, see here]. that set me back a bit; some of the work i was planning on doing during thanksgiving week could not get done. i was without computer for 2 weeks or so, while it got fixed. while it was away, i received the power supply, which i got off of ebay, to replace mine that had broken months before. this was a good thing, even though it set me back $50. [note: a thing that makes me want to cry is that applecare could have paid for, not only the repair of my computer, but as many damn power cords as i could ever need. more on that later. in any case, if you have an apple product that is under 1 year old, for christsakes, get applecare!]. my computer arrived, working wonderfully, my power cord worked, i had 160gb external harddrive, and my dad configured my ibook so i could connect to the internet [dial-up....the only thing available in the sticks] at home. life, computerwise, was good.
i began working on the mountain of written work that i had to do. i was going to get this done. i was doing fine, plowing along, getting my drawings done, getting my stuff typed up, preparing, and then, MELT DOWN. it was 2.30 am, the morning the portfolio was due. suddenly, the battery is draining. and then, it's out. i check my power cord. yes, it's plugged in. but why is it not working? i unplugged, and something looked different. i couldn't figure out what, though. keep in mind, it was 2 in the morning, i had had 4 hours of sleep the previous night, my nerves were shot, and the small amounts of caffeine i had consumed were wearing off in a big way. so, my messed up, sleep deprived self was examining the plug of my cord. yes, it was different. i decided. but i couldn't remember if it had always looked like that. i fetched my father's cord, which, to my horror, was bent. oh my god...had i done that? no, it was like that when i took it out of the case. i couldn't believe my bad luck. nothing was working for me. and that, my friend, is how i ended up, on the floor of my room, kneeling, crying, gripping a pink rosary, and praying. first just my own freeform prayer, just trying to talk to god. then i decided that the lord's prayer might be more effective. so i looked it up, and started repeating it, i don't know how many times. it didn't take too long to memorise it, and this mantra calmed me, kind of helped me to see that i was being stupid, god wasn't going to come down from heaven and fix my power cord. when i was done i was a little shaken, a lot depressed, a lot stressed, but most of all, tired. so i went to bed. i won't bore you with the details, but the portfolio didn't get in, and there isn't a working power cord in the house.
on the more personal note, i've been kind of screwed up. the school/situation hasn't really helped, but lately i've been in kind of a floating sort of mood. knowing what i want to be, but not quite knowing how to get there. frustrated by my self. i've decided to start excersising...that's working out pretty good [keep in mind, i only started on sunday]. i'm doing this "boost your energy" workout from seventeen in the mornings, "get the body of a dancer" in the noon because i can't be bothered to remember everything we do in ballet [though i haven't done that yet....today i walked a mile instead], and a kickboxing thing in the evenings, as well as as many pushups and situps as i can manage. it's probably not healthy to go from as little excersise as i have been getting [1 hour of ballet and 1 of ultimate frisbee on mondays, 1.5 hour of ultimate on tuesdays and fridays], but i'll never get there if i don't go all out at first. i've been trying to work on my diet as well, but i'll be damned if it hasn't failed. i do well until about 1 o'clock, and then it's all downhill from there. it's hard....there are so many sweets in my house. if i lived alone i could get rid of them all, but i don't, so i can't. basically this is all trying to, not only make me more healthy, but get rid of the holiday weight i'm already gaining, even though it's not even christmas.
the reason why i suddenly care what i look like [not that i didn't before] and am doing, or trying to do, something about it, is because the war for boy's affections is on. this bothers me a lot, because i really like the non confrontational, masochistic way i've been dealing with my enamouration thus far. however, one of my best highschool friends had decided that she likes him as well. really likes him. and is doing something about it. well, i can't just sit back and watch her accomplish what i have so dreamed of, just like that. so, i have reluctantly decided to rise to the occasion. though i fear that boy will very much not appreciate it, that is what i must do. i cannot stand her cheshire cat grin any longer. so yes, you will have a detailed log of these endeavors, as soon as school gets in [computer technology willing]. thus began the humiliation of london.
molto grazie per listening to my lengthy rant...it's been too long.
neverending love,
london
posted by teenage faerie at 8:17 PM
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