...broken hearts and broken drives...

so yeah...i'm in italy...and it's great...sometimes i wish that i was living on my own, though, not with a family. like, living with a family can be super rad, but i hate how it pretty much gives me NO independence whatsoever. like, being in a family was a great experience, but now i would like a little control over my life. where i go, what i eat, what i do...

this family will probably be happy when i leave, as i am [unintentionally] wreaking havoc on their house. i have broken a vase and a disc drive, and left all these marks and shit on the walls that i don't know how they got there. i feel pretty bad about it, but whatever, i'll pull through. i'm bee motherfucking electric. i'm a good liar, and am into self harm and carcinogens. and i have ambition. i am going to rock this world.

feigning anorexia,
bee electric

...booo...ioni...

Happy Hallowe'enie, bitchezZz. I hope it was more Hallowe'en-ish than mine!!

aMORE
Bee

...hotel room floor...

i'm sitting on the floor in my hotel room and i'm leaving for the airport in 2 hours and 20 minutes and i can't believe it. i had to finish packing today and yesterday, it was hell on wheeled pink suitcases. my room looks like a bomb exploded in it and i'm scared of what my mother will do to it while i'm gone. i'm especially frightened for my magazines...they are dear to me, my vogues and allures and seventeens and cosmogirls and teen vogues...

i had to say goodbye to my friends to-day as well. what do you say to your dearest amigas, the ones who are closer than family, the ones you love so much it tears your heart to bits, when you won't see them for nine months? i hugged them goodbye and never wanted to let go. it was then that i got scared. scared shitless. terrified. not sure i want to go through with this but i don't have any choice. i'm here this is now go time t-minus no seconds.

so here i am. sitting on scratchy carpet with the suicidegirls in my earbuds, piratin' music and blogging my soul. i have to "wake up" in 50 minutes and then is va-va-voom 2 days of travel for little ol' me. including 9 hours in a heathrow devoid of free wifi. thank goodness i have copious amounts of dvds and an england adapter plug with me.

staring at the future and crying,
bee anenomE electric

...and the march goes on...

hey darlings...
i would like to point you to my new blog, still in its infancy, that will be about my trip to italy. unfortuately, since people i actually know [and am related to] will be reading it, i can't, you know, put anything important in it. so you can go there for the normal stuff, as the posting frequency of this [frequent posting? ha!] will most likely be diminished.

speaking of italy...i cannot wait to get out of here. i seriously think i overstayed my welcome, and if i hadn't been going to italy, i would have left already. whether moving in with a friend or going to san francisco, la, ny...anywhere but here. there was an especially bad scene last weekend...if i ever decide to do a class during the summer, please, with all haste, shoot me in the face. there was a talk, with the parents, where i actually said some thing, instead of just sitting there crying like bitch, like i usually do. i don't regret anything i said, and what can you do, when you've been crying and writing all day and missing a good friend's birthday party, and all you can think of is 'i wish i could drive so i could drive off a cliff'?

i did, however, come up with another fun suicide fantasy. while talking, in a normal, upbeat fashion to my mother on ichat AV or some other sort of video confrensing aide, i whip out a guy and blow my brains out. that way, since she's not there, she can't do anything to stop me, but she's still witnessing it. i can't decide whether i'd want her actually watching when i pull the trigger, or if she'd look away, but hear the gunshot and look at the monitor to blood all over the wall. hmmm...

what kind of life do i lead where my parents inspire me to come up with more elaborate ways to kill myself?

i snuck a sip of wine at work the other day, and was immediately reminded why i don't like alchohol. i do like cigarettes, though, though i feel like a poser for saying that because i've only smoked, like, one. but i think i'm going to try to increase that, once school starts. gotta load up afore i live to stale world [aka my exchange program]. i also want one of my friends to pierce my lip, but i'm not sure if she would. oh well...fuckit.

and i'm really tired, so i'm going to turn in for the night.

falling in love with you all over again,
Bee

P.S. Project Ana sucks. I make the most horrible anorexic I know. I need a miracle. I tried looking for diet pills at the local pharmacy but i couldn't find them but i didn't want to ask.
P.P.S. there was another one of these but i can't real.

...broken windows...

i hate windows. the fact that i have to lie and cheat my way into but a second of internet time means that right now i am connected to the internet via a windows laptop. gross. and it keeps messing up and quitting internet explorer whenever i try to do anything on myspace. ::sigh::

i've been spending most of my blogging time lately (which is really my homework time...ihavetodoitihavetodoitihavetodoit) working on this, and the accompanying myspace. there will eventually also be a wordpress, a vox, (these are in their fetus stage), a flickr, and perhaps a cafepress store/paypal donate button. a last.fm page is in existance but i don't have the link on me.

and my battery is about to die, so goodnight.

pondering the futility of her existence,
lady electron

...sixteen seconds to failure...

hey there...look at me, being a flake. this is what has been up with me:

*working my ass off doing various things to get money
*not reading howard zinn
*getting very frustrated by my mother bitching at me
*reading vogue (today) and trashy teen novels
*buying an ipod
*feeling fat
*eating
*watching movies
*generally not having a very good time, with bright spots in between.

ah, such is my sixteenth summer. that sounds so romantic and lovely, but, believe me, it's not.


wishing she could be better,
*lady electron*

...hey, look...

that slob of a teenager is finally updating her blog. huh. i'd write something beautiful but my head hurts. i didn't eat enough today. i didn't eat because i'm feeling like a fat slob, like usual. fuck it.

i leave for italy in almost 2 months. i'm scared. i don't want to be hated. i don't want to be ostracized because it would hurt so much more in italian. i'm going to dye my hair black before i go. angsty enigmatic goth american chick? perfetto. now all i've gotta do is figure out how to get a tattoo and hide it.

please?

biting her lip and wanting to be friends,
_gatsbee_

[madlane is ill-fitting]